Panic Attacks......

So somewhere along the line I lost the ability to deal with things well.  Over the past two years there's been an extreme increase of stress in my life, mostly starting from a very shitty job I was working at.  I normally never let the small things effect me but like drops of water on a stone, it will eventually bore a hole and that's just what my coworker and that company did.  Every day was like a painful drip, boring deeper and deeper... eventually eating away at my defenses enough to let it affect me.  In time it built up to bring on a very big panic attack, something I never felt before and it sent me to the hospital ER thinking I was having a heart attack.

I've been training my brain with therapy and mild medication to teach myself that I'm better than the fears in my head, and it's getting better.  Over a year since it started I can normally function for the most part regularly, although at times, like my therapist said, it might rear it's ugly head again.  And today, this morning it did.  It started yesterday, I just didn't feel right and I knew something was happening.  It passed but then I was restless the rest of the evening.  This morning I felt fine but then once I went to the store, I was right back in thick of an attack.  I felt like I was trapped, I wanted out of the store in the worst way but in time, knowing that it was just mental bullshit, it passed.

Part of the panic attacks which is even less pretty is the IBS I've been experiencing.  Sure it's great being regular every day but it's starting to not be fun when you experience that effect at a store and cannot just run to the potty.  It normally makes me feel immediately better, and relieves all the instant stress (which is weird in itself).

Anyway, I'm feeling like a million bucks this afternoon and have been every since the last trip to the restroom.

Of course, I'm home with the kids and that adds to the stress.  Especially when they're so clueless about the world around them and leave food on the counter instead of putting it away and letting the dog devour some hush puppies.  The common sense eludes them.  Then the stress comes back especially cause my son has no idea that he's done anything wrong no matter how many times I've told him.

So the moral of the story is this, the panic attacks will come and go, and the time to re-coop will be shorter (I'm told).  I just need to keep it in my mind that it's all in my head.

If you suffer from this issue, I feel for you cause I'm in it too.  I never used to understand how people just couldn't deal with life, well now I know all to well.

The Big Leap...

Starting my own business.  A scary thing to say... let alone do.  But I'm doing it and going to find out just what this whole thing is about.

I'm nervous as all get out as I've never done anything like this before, although I've been told by a few that I should be my own boss and I've always loved the idea of working for myself, making my own way, etc.  Actually doing it is much more "real" than talking about it.

I've been without a real, full-time job since July and although I've been collecting unemployment and trying to get work whenever I can, it's not easy.  Going from making $3000 as a family to making $1000 a month, it affects you dramatically.  I fear shopping now, even for the simple things and with starting a business it just keeps pouring out.  I know, however, with every new opportunity there comes some risk as to weather you're going to succeed or flounder.  I'm hoping I'm on the up and up sooner than later.

So here I go on another chapter in my life, just doing something to possibly get me in a better place and make something of myself, financially and business wise.

Beautiful Weekend Backpacking Trip with my Wife

My wife and I had been planning on getting out for a weekend trip together, sans kids, but with the dogs for a weekend.  Amazingly there was a weekend we could put aside and it just so happened that the weather couldn't have been nicer.  The temps were in the mid 60's with nothing but sunshine and beautiful skies.u

We drove to Harpers Ferry, WV to see  the historical town and have some lunch.  We went to the AT Conservancy and saw a Southbound Thru hiker, all 100 pounds of her stunk to high heaven but she couldn't have been happier.  I think that's the story of the AT, you might smell like shit but you're happy as can be.

This trip, more or less was supposed to be a free-spirited trip, very figure it out as we go along.  So when we got to the conservancy we spoke to a volunteer who suggested that we drive to Gathland State Park then and hike South on the AT to the Ed Garvey shelter.  It was a fairly easy trial, rolling hills as opposed to the normal PA AT hike, where you have to start straight uphill first then it levels out a little.

The Gathland SP is pretty much already up on the ridge so the hike was pretty much gentle rolling hills and very nice scenery but no real views.  Which was good for our two dogs and my wife to enjoy as opposed to being a high mileage death march of a hike.

We hiked to the Ed Garvey shelter, just after dark settled in, there were plenty of people there already.  Since we were there late, we missed out on the opportunity to get a good tent site and found one that was slightly sloped and had a few rocks and twigs.  One of those twigs reared it's ugly head in the morning and pushed through my ground cloth and tent floor...  Not a happy camper with that but what are you going to do.

We enjoyed very nice company around an already roaring campfire and eventually made our way to bed.  The stars were out in droves and it was comfortably cool enough where it's not cold.  We forgot something cozy for the dogs, but everyone made out ok.  I slept great, Stephanie was cold (somehow) which was to be expected as she's always a cold sleeper.

Our plan was to hike out and drive to PA and hike a very flat hike, however unlike any other AT trail I've ever been on, there were no campsites to be seen in four miles of pleasant farmland hiking.  The evening couldn't have been nicer, the sunset was beautiful and it got cold fast.  We decided, to turn around and head home.  We'd go out to eat and jump in the hot tub for the night.  It was a good decision and enjoyable.

I couldn't have enjoyed this weekend more, I felt like a rock star.  I felt strong, happy and confident.  It's always nice to be able to get out, feel good and relaxed and enjoy your company and surrounds.

My only regret is that we never have enough time.  But I'm trying to enjoy the time we do have and use it wisely.